What's the big thing about relationships?

Dear Dr. K.
I am a single person (I won't tell you whether I'm male or female) who has had several relationships which usually turn out sour. What happens is that the other person usually falls short of my expectations. We usually get into some argument and the other person criticizes me and we split. This has happened several times. I try to do everything right to make the relationship perfect but the other person just doesn't seem to see that or appreciate what I do. Maybe I'm not destined to have a relationship?

AB

Dear AB,
Relationships are very difficult things to understand. People are so different, I wonder sometimes how people ever stay together since there can be so many differences between them and things to work out.
Rather than focus on the other person and how he or she lets you down, let's concentrate on you.
When you talk about trying to make things 'perfect' in the relationship, I hear many warning sounds going off. Nobody is perfect. Sure, in the beginning of getting to know someone, we all try to be on our best behavior, but 'perfect' is out. No one is perfect. It puts pressure on you to try to constantly read the other person's mind as to what he or she wants and then try to do it. It leaves no room for your wants or wishes. If you've been doing this for a long time, it's very likely your own personality hasn't really developed in knowing yourself. You are what you think others want you to be rather than being aware of the other person and his or her wants. You certainly have likes and dislikes, but you may never have developed them because you're too scared that other people may not agree with you. It's a two-way street….two people working on pleasing each other while getting their needs met too. Two people who can get angry with each other but then talk things out rather than just one saying "I can't take it anymore" when they really mean "I can't take being perfect all the time anymore." What also happens is that you begin to hate the other person because of the pressure you are placing on yourself by trying to be perfect but believing that it's him or her that's putting the pressure on.
You also get to be very afraid of expressing your feelings, especially angry ones, since they're not 'perfect'….so you become this perfect person who doesn't know who you are. If you are attractive, you may rely on your looks for validation that you are worth something but then you also begin to hate yourself for having to rely on such superficial ways of getting attention rather than being loved for yourself whom you are afraid to show.
So, you get frustrated because you don't believe you can hold onto a relationship if you're not perfect. So what do you do? You subtly or not so subtly sabotage the relationship. You get bored, you don't return calls, you distance yourself sexually and/or emotionally. Of course, the other person gets frustrated and challenges you as to what's going on. Since this is a challenge to your being perfect, you get angry and there goes the relationship since you never could do anything wrong.
Since you really don't believe that someone could love you and stay with you, you do things to make them leave….better to dump them before they dump you.
So, AB, it's getting later and later and you know what's going to happen? You're going to pick somebody who is beneath you intellectually, physically, or in their quickness or in their general personality. This way, you can sort of be perfect because you'll control them…never a good idea if you're in love….and this certainly isn't love.
You're going to settle for someone and be miserable the rest of your life.
AB, take some chances. You're human just like everyone else. You have flaws just as the person you might love someday has flaws but the point is that these things can be talked about and worked out. Running away just leaves you lonely, lacking and with more doubting yourself while becoming increasingly angry with everyone else. "People always let you down" becomes the phrase.
So, like the song says,
"Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late."
Dr. K

Dr. K is Stan Kapuchinski, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist practicing with Psychiatric Associates of Charlotte County located at 3390 Tamiami Trail, Suite 104, Port Charlotte, FL. 33952. Phone 941-764-0444 for an appointment. Please write him there with questions at his office or email him at DrK@Sun-Herald.com.
Dr. K.'s new book, Say Goodbye To Your PDI (Personality Disordered Individual), Recognize People Who Make You Miserable and Eliminate Them From Your Life for Good! will be published in September, 2007 and can be pre-ordered at Amazon.com. You can also see Dr K.'s website at www.stopyourmisery.com