Merry Christmas-2005

Note to the readers of this column:
While Dr. K is taking some Christmas time off, he has asked his alter ego, Dr. Bob to fill in writing his column. Dr. K would like you all to know that his temporary replacement, Dr. Bob, is not always the most serious individual and that you should not necessarily believe anything Dr. Bob writes although the following might actually be good advice.

Dear Dr. K.,
I once had no use for Christmas, but some spirited adventures showed me my error and now I love spending Christmas with friends and family. I try to send out some Christmas cards and look forward to hearing from people. But what still frosts my Christmas goose is receiving those very long 'additions' to Christmas cards where people go on and on for pages of single spaced boring writing about every aspect of their lives which seem to be so glorious. I know life is going well for me but these letters really make me feel inadequate. Is there any way I can get over this?
Ebenezer S., London

Dear Ebenezer,
Christmastime, with all of the delightful things that can occur, can also be very stressful. We humans have this nasty habit of comparing ourselves to others even when we know things are going well.

To get in the 'spirit' (something I know you, Ebenezer, are well experienced with) of writing long-winded letters, I have put together a "Holiday Letter" you can use and send off to anyone you care to torture, in a Christmas sort of way of course.

The letter is written as though you have four in the family (Mom, Dad, and the two children, a boy and a girl). Just put names from your family in where indicated (like Tiny Tim or Bob Cratchit) and, like the magic of Christmas, any inadequacy you are feeling will disappear.

-Dr. Bob

A Very Merry Christmas from the (Put in your family name).

Dear Wonderful Friends,
Our family is brimming with the peace and joy of the season and hope we can bring some happiness to you with news of our family's doings in the last year. As everyone familiar with us knows, we continue to lead very productive, busy, unselfish and satisfying lives unencumbered by the usual worries that plague most common people. Where to begin to share our adventures with you?

(Put in Mom's name), having taken over from Mother Theresa's U.S.A. operations, continues to work in various soup kitchens throughout the country each day. (Mom's name) got her pilot's license this year (and she is also rated to fly stealth bombers) so she could fly to various soup kitchens and prepare meals. (Mom's name) grows all of her own vegetables on a 5,234 1/8 acre farm which she tends solely herself with just a hoe and watering can made out of recycled Tupperware. She uses only organic processes on the things she grows to get the perfect essence out of her vegetables. "No chemicals for me," says (Mom's name) as she puts on her gardening gloves (made out of recycled Harley-Davidson leather chaps) each morning at 3 A.M. to tend the crops.

After gathering the vegetables she needs, (Mom's name) loads them by hand onto her C-140 cargo plane (made from a recycled cargo plane) and heads off to prepare meals for up to 5,000 people. Once airborne, (Mom's name) puts on the auto-pilot and frequently begins to knit articles of clothing like toaster covers, warm-up suits, thong underwear and replicas of baby seals for the those less fortunate than she is. Once she lands, (Mom's name) unloads her cargo and then cooks up a storm at whatever soup kitchen she visits preparing meals like gruel or a fruit cake for the needy.

(Mom's name) also raises 5 million of her own special species of chickens (the 'belle poitrine' variety) on another 2,347 1/3 acre farm formerly owned by Frank (I love chicken) Perdue. She is planning on plucking everyone of those suckers and making a fabulous soup that she will freeze (using special ice imported from the Arctic Circle) and send to those in our armed forces overseas. You may have heard that the Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Dalai Lama have each praised (Mom's name) in letters to their local papers for her unselfish projects.

(Dad's name) continues to keep physically, emotionally and spiritually fit in his pursuits. (Dad' name), never a slacker, recently formed the first ever All-Florida-Around-The House-Olympiad. Events will include a riding mower competition, termite detecting and spraying contests, tandem swamp-buggy races, a pool cleaning free-for-all along with song writing competition about fire ants. Those showing the biggest fire ant bite will gain extra points. Those showing the biggest fire ant bites will also earn extra 'stupid' points.

(Dad's name) continues his battle against slow drivers in the left lane of highways. He has met with Governor Bush and other legislative members who are sympathetic but see no speedy resolution to the problem. (Dad's name) will continue to lobby the American Psychiatric Association in hopes of getting that august group to declare driving slowly in the left lane and not moving into the right lane as an 'official' mental illness rather than simply a Florida driving ritual.

(Dad's name) continues to raise armadillos in an area behind our home. He harvests their external body armor and makes whimsical hand-painted hanging planters which (Dad's name) donates to charity.

Our daughter, (daughter's name), has been named, for the fourth time, to lead the Christmas pageant and tree lighting in our nation's capital, Washington, D.C. (Daughter's name) was chosen from 3,127 1/3 applicants who competed in skills such as tinsel congeniality, unraveling twisted up Christmas lights, pine tree appeal and the ability to work electrical switches. (Daughter's name) has made two million pine cone people with smiley faces that she will donate to various children's organizations to bring happiness to children throughout our country.

Our son, (son's name), is presently building a non-denominational cathedral on the shores of Sanibel Island. When (son's name) waded ashore there after swimming and winning the Bermuda to Sanibel one-armed race, (son's name) decided to build the cathedral in thanksgiving to his good fortune. The building will be made entirely from seashells that (son's name) has collected from that area over the last ten years. (Son's name) arises each morning to work on his project that he estimates will be finished in 2054.

We are planning on being together for Christmas and are expecting Prince Charles and his new bride, the Pope, Ben & Jerry, Dick Cheney (always good for his fabulous sense of humor) and Martha Stewart (if allowed by her probation officer) to stop by. Please feel free to drop in if you are bored where you are.

Happy Holidays

The (Your family name)

Dr. K is Stan Kapuchinski, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist still practicing with Psychiatric Associates of Charlotte County located at 3390 Tamiami Trail, Suite 104, Port Charlotte, FL. 33952; if you would like an appointment, phone 941-764-0444. If you have any questions, please write him there or email him at DrK@Sun-Herald.com.